How to tell if your friend has narcissistic traits.

When it comes to narcissism, a lot of people think that the personality traits and behaviours associated with it are restricted to those diagnosed with a personality disorder. However, most people have some levels of narcissism because it serves as a survival mechanism in certain situations. As long as narcissistic traits are kept in check by empathy for others, then a certain amount of it is healthy. If someone’s narcissistic tendencies become predominant in their interactions with others and they shut down their empathy, then the behaviours will become toxic for those closest to them. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM 5) for psychology, defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) being present in a person who consistently displays five or more of the nine NPD criteria in a variety of contexts:

NPD is noted as often being comorbid with substance use disorder, depression, and manic behaviour, depending on whether the narcissistic person’s fantasies are panning out or not. Because of this, friends and family of someone with NPD can believe that the root problems are the symptoms they can see, rather than the core personality traits which drive the problematic behaviours. The people around them believe that if they can just get sober, or just stop gambling, or just get the right medication for their depression… then the narcissistic person will suddenly become loving and kind. Little do they realise that the narcissism is preventing the treatment of those other mental health disorders, because a narcissistic person will resist self-examination and accountability.

What people really need to know is how to identify if a friend, family member, colleague, or dating interest has narcissistic traits, and how to deal with that person. This is important because a narcissistic person will often approach under the guise of a friend but harbour a great deal of ill will towards everyone around them, and that secret ill will can manifest as destructive, violent, or exploitative end results that seem to blindside a lot of normal people. Anyone with empathy would not assume that their friend could treat them in ways which are evil, but that’s why such people often get away with their offences.

Forewarned is Forearmed

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” – Matthew 10:16

Holy Bible, English Standard Version, 2016.

The list of criteria in the DSM is handy, but I have often found it to be so broad that recognising it in personal situations becomes difficult. Another frustrating thing for people dealing with narcissistic friends is how little is available on that subject. A lot has been written about narcissistic romantic relationships, and quite a bit about family members, but friendship is a highly neglected part of the psychology literature. Personally, I think that people underestimate how important friendship is and how demoralising a betrayal from a friend can be. In my experience, it tends to be worse than romantic breakups, perhaps because it is less expected.

The best advice I can give anyone who is navigating new friendships and wants to avoid narcissistic friends, is to not get sucked into their world too quickly, do not give them full access to your life without thorough vetting beforehand, and introduce boundaries early. These three principles are vital in weeding out the drama queens, users, and backstabbers, because the very first things they always attempt to do are rush intimacy and violate boundaries.

Some people will violate boundaries the first time you meet them by being either exceptionally late or strangely early for a meeting, or by asking you to do them a massive favour beyond what would be appropriate for a stranger to ask. This is them testing you to see how much you let them get away with, so don’t let them get away with it and they will quickly toss you aside for someone they can use and manipulate easier. If they become enraged because you are non-compliant, this is a huge sign that they are a dangerous and unhinged individual who should have no place in your life.

By the same token, rushing intimacy often looks like either becoming overly involved in your life while they are barely an acquaintance, or drawing you into their life of drama when you barely know them. They will tell you some shockingly intimate things about themselves, or probe you to disclose intimate information about yourself which they can exploit. They will involve you in beef they have with other people and try to turn you into their flying monkey to start bullying anyone who they perceive has “wronged” them, which in all likelihood is actually the narcissists fault. If you have a tale of woe, they have a tale of woe-er. It’s partly to create a bond, but partly to one-up you at the same time because everything is a competition, including trauma. They complain incessantly about everyone, ostensibly “confiding” in you, but actually they just talk smack about everyone, including you, behind their backs.

This is not true intimacy, this is inappropriate.

Your desire to be seen, understood, and accepted with all your own messiness can make you vulnerable to toxic people. Do you crave deep and meaningful conversations rather than surface-level chit-chat? Then you need to be extra cautious about who you’re getting deep and meaningful with. Don’t jump into new friendships too quickly and too strongly, but rather learn what is appropriate for the amount of knowledge you have about that person, and what is not appropriate. This might require doing some trauma healing of your own because you may have developed some toxic habits from the narcissists in your life. They tend to warp the sense of normality around them to suit their agenda.

The Narcissist Who Befriended Me.

I’ve encountered a number of narcissistic friends in the past because I had terribly low self-esteem and chronic people-pleasing tendencies so they latched onto me like parasites. I also grew up with a narcissistic mother who taught me to accept abnormal behaviour from other people. I could write about a number of my former friends, but the one who exemplifies the narcissistic traits which people should look out for is Jennifer [not her real name]. Jennifer’s betrayal of my friendship towards the end was so shocking to me that it fundamentally rocked my ability to form close friendships and trust people for about a decade. I have held acquaintances very lightly and been prepared to cut ties if someone turns on me, which has actually been necessary a few times, but can also be very isolating. Ultimately, I needed to learn how to discern which people should be trusted and which needed to be avoided, and never to ignore red flags early on. This meant that I needed to change my friendship-forming style drastically, as outlined in the previous segment.

I met Jennifer at work, where she was doing her one year of paid internship to learn the ropes and hopefully work in the industry in the future. At that time she was just out of high-school, barely an adult, so I explained away a lot of her behaviour with natural immaturity and tried to take her under my wing as an older mentor figure. At work she would be snide and passive aggressive to customers, which the manager pulled her up on, but Jennifer would then storm off into the break room to throw a pity party and cry. Being stupid, I would try to console her and find out what was wrong, so the excuse she gave for her behaviour was “my mum is very sick and dying so I’m under a lot of stress and that’s why I treat people like dirt” and I accepted that excuse, feeling sorry for her.

This was red flag number one. Narcissists get a lot of mileage from pity. They exploit other people’s empathy, while displaying zero empathy for others. Jennifer did not care that she made people feel like crap, or belittled them, or was condescending, or held others with contempt. She cared that she was being called out for it. Any excuse will do, but the best excuses are actually true and her mother was often in hospital, although her mum was still unwell 10 years later according to a mutual acquaintance. I have had loved ones in crisis, and I have still never used another person as an emotional punching bag. This excuse is total BS.

As you can imagine, Jennifer did not get a recommendation from the manager to gain an ongoing position after her internship. I had worked with that manager for years beforehand and respected her in the industry, but at the time my barometer for toxic behaviour was fundamentally broken so I didn’t pick up on the warning signs like the manager did. Instead, I felt bad for Jennifer, which made me the perfect target.

When it came to workmates, Jennifer knew I was friends with another girl who had been the previous intern and obtained a full-time position afterwards. During their time working together they were also friends, but behind her back Jennifer called her a slut and liked to assert that she would be much pickier about who she dated, which was why she was still a virgin. This self-righteous attitude to sex changed significantly after Jennifer started sleeping with someone, at which point she became an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. Often with narcissistic people they don’t actually have moral convictions or values, they simply have personal attributes which they believe make them superior to others. If those attributes change, then so does the method by which they assert their superiority over others so they can look down on everyone. As for my friendship with the other girl, Jennifer made it clear that she would not come to social events if that girl was there. At the time I caved into the pressure and stopped inviting her, believing that Jennifer needed more support than others, which is something I very much regret doing.

What Jennifer did in this situation is called relational aggression and triangulation. Narcissistic people will malign others secretively behind their back (relational aggression) in order to drive a wedge between their targets (triangulation). Narcissists like to isolate people from each other so they can exert more power over other people’s relationships. Being able to control everyone in their close circle is necessary for a narcissist to feel secure and if they perceive a lack of control, they will literally do whatever it takes to wrest power back within the social dynamic.

You might be wondering why I was even friends with this girl considering the early warning signs, but I met Jennifer at a time when I had just lost my two closest friendships after years of being bullied by them and finally ending it. I was lonely and needed a friend, plus I thought we had a lot in common with similar interests in art (I have an art degree – not an “arts” degree) and I had been a shy, awkward young adult when I was her age. Jennifer wasn’t actually shy or awkward, she was contemptuous of others, but I didn’t see it. So as a big sister figure, I was more than happy to give her free lifts while she didn’t have a car or license, and I was more than happy to invite her to social gatherings or go to gallery exhibitions with her.

Jennifer, in turn, was more than happy to receive the perks of having a friend with a full-time income, industry knowledge and contacts, who swallowed all of her manipulations, boosted her ego, and had a boyfriend whose best friend seemed appealing to her.

Because Jennifer often came to social gatherings at my house, she got to hang out with my then-boyfriend (we’ll call him Bob) and Bob’s best friend Dick. Bob and Dick were both alcoholics, but Dick seemed to be much worse so I only noticed his alcoholism at the time. He was also considerably older than Jennifer and a bit of a sleaze, often cracking onto my friends or staring at me if nobody else was around. The only friend he didn’t crack onto was Jennifer. Maybe he thought she was too young, or maybe she was not attractive enough for him, or maybe he knew she was really into him and didn’t want anything serious. Whatever the reason, for over a year he never crossed that line.

Dick and I did not get along. Firstly, he started at me, and it made me uncomfortable. Secondly he would projectile vomit alcohol in my home and become completely inebriated almost every weekend and my ex never cut him off or asked him to give us a weekend to ourselves (which is Bob’s fault more than Dick’s). Thirdly he hit on my friends and they started to avoid social gatherings because he was always there. Fourthly, he was arrogant and condescending, so he would roll his eyes and scoff at things I said which didn’t align with his worldview. Again, Bob never pulled Dick up on any of his behaviour, which Dick would often do in full view of Bob. As you can see, I had very poor taste in all varieties of relationships back then.

During this time Jennifer was studying at university and also working casual shifts at a local fast-food restaurant. Within a few months she had lost that job for reasons I can only speculate about because her explanation made it sound like they had a personal vendetta against her and she had never done anything wrong. Having worked with her previously, I am certain that is not true. If I had to guess what happened, I would say that her customer service skills were once more lacking or openly hostile.

That time of my life seemed to feature a lot of house parties, which is the complete opposite of my life now. My ex needed friend approval like some sort of drug and would never listen when I said it was too much and I needed less people around, or actually begged for quiet time. We should have broken up several times before we actually did because we were completely incompatible, but for some reason I just kept holding on. Thankfully I’m not like that anymore.

At these house parties Jennifer would often play manipulation games. She liked to disappear while everyone was talking and wait in some remote corner of the property for someone to go looking for her and find her. She often got annoyed that nobody noticed her disappearance sooner, which is how I knew it was a game for attention, rather than a genuine need to have time away from the crowd. I would then need to console and placate her for some time before I could coax her out. A true introvert isn’t sad about being alone, they feel relieved to have a quiet moment to themselves. Unfortunately people often confuse introverts with covert narcissists because covert (or vulnerable) narcissists are not exuberant in large social groups like their overt/grandiose counterparts. They are not as confident and charming, despite being just as entitled and needing constant admiration. Usually they need to find one or two adoring audience members who they can monopolise to get their attention needs met, and if those people are distracted by other friends they will become angry. They believe that attention rightfully belongs to them alone.

A narcissist who is not receiving as much attention in a group setting as they believe they should have… will do things to get attention like disappearing without saying anything and making others come look for them, then throwing a pity party when it takes “too long” for their absence to get noticed. It’s a very juvenile thing to do, but one of the hallmarks of narcissism is a lack of maturity and inability to handle their own emotions in a constructive way. They feel bad (due to lack of attention) so they do something dramatic to appease their emotions, even if they look ridiculous as a result. Narcissists frequently do some bizarre things with zero shame or self-awareness. It is also impossible to shame a narcissist into changing their bad behaviour because rather than feeling self-conscious if somebody points it out, instead they feel incensed or offended and play the victim or fly into a rage. Again, it demonstrates a lack of emotional development. Their communication style is frequently passive-aggressive rather than collaborative and you will struggle to get them to communicate constructively about anything.

At one of these parties Dick eventually reached his goal of getting a positive response from one of my friends. She had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend for the umpteenth time and seemed to be looking for a quick date to make her ex jealous. I didn’t want to be involved in that situation because adults can make choices for themselves, but Dick pulled me aside and asked if I thought that Jennifer would mind if he dated my other friend. This annoyed me immensely because it proved that he knew about her crush all along. My response was to ask why he thought Jennifer would mind and he didn’t have an answer for that so slunk off to continue talking to his new date. Clearly both of them were playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes, but it was none of my business.

Jennifer seemed to handle it brilliantly, being completely nonchalant and continuing to hang out with everyone as though nothing bothered her. She had never discussed her crush on Dick, and I had never tried to shatter the illusion that nobody was the wiser about it. As far as I was concerned, she was welcome to preserve her dignity and I would also safeguard it. I didn’t tell her what Dick had said because I didn’t want it to get into her head or embarrass her, but my opinion of him plummeted even further.

As you can imagine, Dick’s relationship with my other friend was short lived and they only kissed once because her dating someone had the desired effect of making her ex jealous and they got back together. You might be glad to know she has since moved on from that toxic mess and learned to have healthier standards for herself. Was it wrong to use and discard Dick? Absolutely. Even the biggest jerks don’t deserve that sort of treatment.

Meanwhile, Dick was single again and more than ready to mingle. Bob had shared a number of insights about Dick’s dating history which included multiple one-night stands which resulted in him getting robbed by the women he brought home, and also visiting a brothel with his army friend. He did not seem to have had any real relationship despite being over 30 at the time. Perhaps his attitude towards women in general was pretty poor, or maybe he was just “shy and awkward” as Bob insisted was the case. Either way, I was not happy when he eventually asked out Jennifer.

Jennifer was still only 20 years old and had never been in a relationship before. She certainly didn’t seem equipped to deal with a jaded alcoholic, and at that time I still believed that my friend deserved better in life. When she told me that he had asked her out, I openly said that I thought it was a bad idea and pointed out all of his history. She agreed wholeheartedly and that was why she had actually turned him down. I was sceptical about that, but outwardly accepted her version of events. One clue which tipped me off that she was not being honest was when she started calling him Richard instead of Dick.

Over the next week I didn’t hear much from Jennifer, almost as though she was avoiding me. Eventually she asked for a one month no-contact period while she was travelling interstate to visit family. I agreed and also apologised if I had crossed a line by giving my opinion about Dick. I admitted that I didn’t want to hang out with him, but her and I would always be friends and she was more than welcome to choose who she wanted to date. Again, she denied having any interest in dating him and we went into a period of radio silence.

When the month of no-contact was up, I attempted to contact Jennifer and repair the friendship. She was still very cagey and non-communicative. I was trying to be patient and allow her the space she needed, but the strange behaviour was utterly confusing and distressing for me. When I floated the idea to Bob that Jennifer and Dick were dating and that’s why she didn’t want to talk to me, he called me paranoid and stupid. He insisted that both of them denied any relationship and he knew they were more trustworthy than me. I was crushed, not just by the loss of friendship, but also having endured terrible treatment for the last year, and being told I was a crazy by someone who should know me well.

The situation with Bob and Dick enabling each other’s alcoholism, spending every cent like it was sand, and both treating me like dirt/a housemaid had become intolerable and I had actually moved out of my own home. I mean, the lease was in my name alone, but I was the one forced to leave for my own sanity. For example, one time Dick asked Bob to join him for a music festival, but Bob only had the money which was budgeted for the groceries left in his bank account, so Bob spent all of the grocery money on a ticket for himself to go to a music festival with Dick and then claimed I was being too demanding when I cried because we had no grocery money. I gave Bob an ultimatum that Dick needed to be gone in the two weeks I was away and if Bob didn’t like it, then Bob would need to find somewhere else to live too. During the time I was away, I found out that Jennifer was hanging out at my house with both Bob and Dick, but she was still refusing to see me, always saying she was too busy.

For some reason, even though Bob was not happy with me, he hadn’t moved out when I got back. In hindsight, I really wish he had. Again, I’m not proud of how long I stayed in that relationship (it was 8 years unfortunately).

One day I was home alone when I realised that Bob had left his Facebook logged into my laptop and I decided to see if there were any messages which might shed light on the situation. It didn’t look as though anything has been said on messenger, but that’s when another idea occurred to me: maybe Jennifer would tell Bob why she was no longer talking to me? These were the days before smartphones had the messenger app, so I wasn’t worried about him seeing any replies pop up, but I also knew that I would have to tell him the truth afterwards. Better to ask forgiveness than permission.

I messaged Jennifer asking why she wasn’t talking to Louisa and she messaged back that it was none of Bob’s business. Surely there must be a reason though? Shut up Bob and stay out of it. I don’t get it though, you two were always close and she would do anything for you. I’m not having this conversation with you, I don’t care how she feels, I don’t want to see her. Ok, well, this isn’t Bob, this is Louisa. I guess I have all the answers I needed.

I signed out of his Facebook account and closed down the laptop. It was official that the friendship was over, she just hadn’t bothered to tell me.

Later on that evening Bob came home enraged. Jennifer had called him at work, crying and telling him I was bullying her and using his Facebook account to do it. She claimed I had been bullying her for months now and she couldn’t take it anymore. Bob said that I was unhinged and needed to be committed to a mental institution. He said that he had discussed with Jennifer forcing me to get help.

I confessed that I had used his Facebook but had every intention of telling him when he got home, and I was sorry to have used him like that, but I hadn’t been able to resist trying one last time to get answers for why I had been dropped as a friend. As for the bullying allegations, I had not seen or spoken to Jennifer in months and everything was via text or messenger, so I easily produced the written evidence that I had never bullied her once. Somehow that stopped him in his tracks. All of his sanctimonious anger was deflated, and he grappled with trying to explain away why she would say such a thing. That was the last straw for me, and we broke up.

A few days later Bob went to visit his friend Dick because he was still essentially siding with them and insisting that I was wrong for everything I had done. However, when he arrived at the apartment, Dick was with Jennifer and they were already drunk so they confessed they had been in a relationship for over a month. They spent the whole time he was there saying what a horrible b!+c# I was and how they hated the sight of me, until Bob became disgusted and left. He apologised when he got home and admitted that they had lied to him, and he fell for it. I told him he could be friends with them if he wanted, but I would have nothing to do with them and they would never be allowed in my home again. He agreed that he also didn’t want to know them, but he did want our relationship to get back on track.

We did stay together after that, not because I actually felt good about the relationship after Bob’s betrayal siding with my gaslighters and tormentors, but because I didn’t want them to win. Clearly they had an agenda to destroy the relationship I had with Bob and keep him as a friend so the good times could continue without the wet-blanket party-pooper that was me. For a whole year after that I would break down crying once a week, asking Bob how he could believe such terrible things about me. He never really was able to answer that question.

Two years after all the drama went down, a mutual friend told me that Jennifer was having some health problems and had been thinking about reaching out to me for support. I vaguely expressed some sympathy, but did not comment on the possibility of being friends again. About a week later I got a text message from Jennifer saying that she could really use a friend and remembered all the good times we had together. I asked if she was going to apologise for how she had treated me the last time we communicated.

“Ugh,” she wrote, “I thought you’d be over that by now. I’ve moved on, why can’t you?”

I explained that under no circumstances would I be friends with someone who I could not trust and who refuses to apologise when they have wronged me. She didn’t deny what I had said, simply deflected by claiming to be far more “mature” than I was and not to ever contact her again (even though she was the one who contacted me, lol).

When a narcissist attempts to reconcile, they never address the reasons why the relationship broke down in the first place, and woe betide you if you dare to bring it up. Whatever they did, let’s just gloss over it, shall we?

As you can see, it doesn’t matter to a narcissist how they have treated people and destroyed friendships, if there is something they want or need, they have zero shame about attempting to hoover people back into their lives when it suits them. Sometimes you will get a token or superficial apology from a narcissist, but usually they huff and puff if anyone holds them accountable for their behaviour. All the bluster and rage is purely to avoid responsibility for themselves, so they can never truly function as an adult. You’ll always have an overgrown toddler on your hands who either cannot, or will not, be reasoned with.

That’s why I strongly recommend taking your time to form friendships and do your due diligence to discern a person’s character before you let them near your partner or other friends. Do not allow your empathy to be manipulated by an unscrupulous pity-grifter. Do not ignore the red flags that others, or yourself, have noticed. Most importantly, do not fall into the traps they set with their crazy-making games, because if you try to dig for the truth or confront them directly they will turn it back onto you and claim you’re the problem. Any smidgeon of evidence they can use against you will be exploited to the fullest extent.

Oh, and if you think you’re immune from their venom because of how “close” you are, think again. It doesn’t matter how long you know them, or what you have given them in the past, or how loyal and kind you are… there will come a day when you displease the unpleasable narcissist enough to feel their wrath rain down on you. Better to fade into irrelevance than to be on their radar.